Calendar Books by Allen James' posting for July 1st from "The Journey: A Calendar Book"..."NEVER accept violence as an option".
Domestic violence, gender violence, work violence; on and on I could go
naming the various places where violence takes center stage at some
point or another. In today's world it seems the "Golden Rule" has
become, "Do unto others BEFORE they do unto you". How sad.
I've
never been a fighter. Oh, sure; there were the "King of the Mountain"
fights between my next oldest brother and me when we were kids, but
other than those "reindeer games", I can't recall a time where violence is ever an
appropriate option. When I was married my wife would become livid when I wouldn't fight back with her when she became upset over something; then
the brushes and pots and pans would fly. It frustrates others when we
don't respond in the manner similar to how they are acting out.
My oldest brother told me a story I'd never heard before about how he and my
next to the oldest brother boxing when they were kids
(pre-teens, circa 1957-58). As the story goes, our father (a military man) would regularly give them boxing gloves to
head out to the front yard and "duke it out". My oldest brother got
sucker punched in the nose and ended up with a nose bleed. He finally
went in to have mom take care of it. When he returned, my father gave
him one of his own punches for having "run to mommy" with the nose
bleed.
As a young boy I recall my siblings fighting all the
time (the two brothers a year and two years older than I). What upset me
the most was when they would get physical: hitting, kicking, pinching,
pushing and hair pulling; I would usually end up hollering at them. I
allowed their actions to control my emotional responses.
Children are not born knowing how to negotiate or compromise. When they
are frustrated, angry or annoyed they will sometimes strike out
physically. If they aren't taught the skills they need to control their
emotions and if they aren't given direction about how to negotiate and
compromise, they may continue to resort to physical actions to get their
way. It's our job as adults to teach them how to work through their
disagreements in a socially acceptable way.
Here are a few
options to assist children in realizing violence is better left along.
Have the two who are fighting sit on the sofa at opposite ends, or on
two adjacent chairs. Tell them they may get up when they have resolved
the issue. At first you may have to mediate and guide the resolution.
Over time they will learn how to negotiate and compromise on their own.
When two children are physically fighting, immediately separate them
into different rooms for a cooling off period. When they have both
calmed down, sit them at the table together and arbitrate a discussion
between them until the issue is resolved.
Tell them they may not
play together for one hour. Banish them to separate rooms. (Do not
allow either child to watch TV or play video games.) Their first
response is likely to be, "Great! I didn't want to play with him
anyway." But after a boring hour playing alone, they will likely be
better company for each other.
Have the aggressor do a chore for
the injured sibling, such as make the bed or take out the trash. An
alternate idea is to fine the aggressor a pre-determined amount of
money, such as 25 cents. The injured sibling gets to keep the payment.
(Impose a penalty only if YOU see the aggressive action.) Contract for
better behavior: With your help, have the children create a contract
agreement between them. Spell out what actions are unacceptable and what
the consequences will be imposed for failure to meet the contract
terms. Have each child sign the agreement and post it conspicuously.
Follow through with the agreed consequences when necessary.
We
mustn't always assume the child who is doing the hitting is the only one
at fault. Sometimes the "victim" has taunted, teased, insulted and
tormented the sibling to the point of wild frustration. While it is
never appropriate for one child to hit another, it would behoove you to
be aware of any behind the scenes torture which may be testing your
child's patience to its limit. If you discover this is happening, begin
to hold both children accountable for their behavior.
Catch them
being good. Reward them for getting along with positive attention. When
your children are playing together without fighting, make a comment of
appreciation, such as, "I'm happy that you guys enjoy playing together."
Giving attention when things are going well will encourage them to
continue the positive behavior.
If your children have frequent
intense battles, it is a symptom of a much bigger problem. It would be
wise to seek the advice of a family counselor or therapist. You may be
able to find an appropriate specialist through your church, school,
physician or local hospital. This is a difficult issue to resolve on
your own. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is a sign
that you really care about your children and their relationship with
each other
(sheknows.com).
With 7 kids at her feet
constantly bickering and badgering each other, Momma got really good at
just yelling, "Take it outside. No fighting in the house", and she could
always use the, "Just wait until your father gets home".
NEVER accept violence as an option....and...keep looking up. : ) AJ
