Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "A Graduate's Daily Guide to Success"

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Calendar Books by Allen James reading for June 19th comes from "A Graduate's Daily Guide to Success"...

"When in a disagreement, speak in the first person. This let's them know you have feelings too" (It also keeps you from placing blame on 'them'."

First person: I
Second person: You
Third person: They

Akin to the well-known statement, "When you point the finger at someone else there are three fingers pointing back at you", taking this principle throughout your communication in general can make the difference between "hurting feelings" and "owning feelings".  It's vital to be clear in your intentions while communicating.

Through the years I've conducted many parenting classes utilizing the "Systematic Training for Effective Parenting" (STEP) program. This cost effective, research proven program gets results when rearing children, but many of its principles are just as legitimate when interacting with adults.

Through the use of "I" statements in lieu of "YOU" statements not only assists others in realizing you have feelings as well as they, it as well assist others in realizing you validate THEIR feelings as well, and take responsibility for YOUR emotions and role in a disagreement.

Consider the following dialog:

Trevor: You make me feel like a monster when you are always saying I'm cold-hearted.
Tracy: Well you are cold-hearted. You never consider my feelings. You are always thinking of yourself. It's always about you.

Trevor: You're the one who always has to have your way.
Tracy: How can you say that? You're so mean.

Clearly a heated exchange such as this is going to get nowhere fast in assuaging the concern Trevor and Tracy have. Such use of "YOU" statements is an attempt to place blame on others and blocks any progress the two may make in resolving the REAL issues the two SHARE.

Now consider the use of "I" statements in the same scenario:

Trevor: "I feel like such a monster when I hear you say I'm cold-hearted."

Tracy: Trevor...a monster? Really? That's not my intention. Not a monster.

Trevor: Tracy, when I hear statements such as, 'Why can't I have a say so', I feel as if I'm not being listened to. I want us both to have a say so in all our decisions.

Tracy: That's so good to hear. I just don't always feel included in our decisions.

Trevor: I going to work on making sure it's not always about me. Tracy, I love our relationship and want it to beat the odds.

Tracy: I love you to Trevor. Let's always work as a team.

There's no doubt this second dialog will get Trevor and Tracy farther in understanding each other more clearly. Neither are placing blame, instead both are acknowledging their own feelings which clarifies to the other how the situation appears to them.

One of my pet peeves, which we hear daily, is our habitual phrase, "You made me feel..." or "He/she makes me feel...". When I hear this, (and while "I" truly attempt NOT to say it...it's not always easy) my response is always, "No one can MAKE you feel anything. We choose our emotional responses just as we choose our physical responses".

Once again, it's all about choices. Let's choose to be more aware (and clear) of how we interact when in a heated discussion, argument, disagreement. Choosing our words wisely can make our worlds more positive and make our journey to personal success a more enjoyable ride.

Keep looking up. AJ