Daily Reading - Allen James' Daily Guide to Success series - "The Journey: A Calendar Book"

Calendar Books by Allen James' posting for July 1st from "The Journey: A Calendar Book"..."NEVER accept violence as an option".

Domestic violence, gender violence, work violence; on and on I could go naming the various places where violence takes center stage at some point or another. In today's world it seems the "Golden Rule" has become, "Do unto others BEFORE they do unto you". How sad.

I've never been a fighter. Oh, sure; there were the "King of the mountain" fights between my next oldest brother and me when we were kids, but other than those I can't recall a time where violence ever seems like an appropriate option. When I was married my wife would become livid when I couldn't fight back with her when she became upset over something; then the brushes and pots and pans would fly. It frustrates others when we don't respond in the matter similar to how they are responding.

My oldest brother told me a story I'd never heard about how he and my next to the oldest brother got in a fight one day when they were small (pre-teens, circa 1956). Dad would regularly give them boxing gloves to head out to the front yard and "duke it out". My oldest brother got sucker punched in the nose and ended up with a nose bleed. He finally went in to have mom take care of it. When he returned, my father gave him one of his own punches for having "run to mommy" with the nose bleed.

As a young boy I recall my siblings fighting all the time (the two brothers a year and two years older than I). What upset me the most was when they would get physical: hitting, kicking, pinching, pushing and hair pulling; I would usually end up hollering at them. I allowed their actions to control my emotional responses.

Children are not born knowing how to negotiate or compromise. When they are frustrated, angry or annoyed they will sometimes strike out physically. If they aren't taught the skills they need to control their emotions and if they aren't given direction about how to negotiate and compromise, they may continue to resort to physical actions to get their way. It's our job as adults to teach them how to work through their disagreements in a socially acceptable way.

Here are a few options to assist children in realizing violence is better left along. Have the two who are fighting sit on the sofa at opposite ends, or on two adjacent chairs. Tell them they may get up when they have resolved the issue. At first you may have to mediate and guide the resolution. Over time they will learn how to negotiate and compromise on their own.

When two children are physically fighting, immediately separate them into different rooms for a cooling off period. When they have both calmed down, sit them at the table together and arbitrate a discussion between them until the issue is resolved.

Tell them they may not play together for one hour. Banish them to separate rooms. (Do not allow either child to watch TV or play video games.) Their first response is likely to be, "Great! I didn't want to play with him anyway." But after a boring hour playing alone, they will likely be better company for each other.

Have the aggressor do a chore for the injured sibling, such as make the bed or take out the trash. An alternate idea is to fine the aggressor a pre-determined amount of money, such as 25 cents. The injured sibling gets to keep the payment. (Impose a penalty only if YOU see the aggressive action.) Contract for better behavior: With your help, have the children create a contract agreement between them. Spell out what actions are unacceptable and what the consequences will be imposed for failure to meet the contract terms. Have each child sign the agreement and post it conspicuously. Follow through with the agreed consequences when necessary.

We mustn't always assume the child who is doing the hitting is the only one at fault. Sometimes the "victim" has taunted, teased, insulted and tormented the sibling to the point of wild frustration. While it is never appropriate for one child to hit another, it would behoove you to be aware of any behind the scenes torture which may be testing your child's patience to its limit. If you discover this is happening, begin to hold both children accountable for their behavior.

Catch them being good. Reward them for getting along with positive attention. When your children are playing together without fighting, make a comment of appreciation, such as, "I'm happy that you guys enjoy playing together." Giving attention when things are going well will encourage them to continue the positive behavior.

If your children have frequent intense battles, it is a symptom of a much bigger problem. It would be wise to seek the advice of a family counselor or therapist. You may be able to find an appropriate specialist through your church, school, physician or local hospital. This is a difficult issue to resolve on your own. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is a sign that you really care about your children and their relationship with each other
(sheknows.com).

With 7 kids at her feet constantly bickering and badgering each other, momma got really good at just yelling, "Take it outside. No fighting in the house", and she could always use the, "Just wait until your father gets home".

NEVER accept violence as an option....and...keep looking up.


It's a beautiful morning in Central Illinois where I'm visiting my sister, Sandra Talbot, and her family; Ron, Matthew, Crystal, Lydia, Brittany, Clara, Naomi, Alisha and Justin. We've had a great weekend.

Calendar Books by Allen James' thought for the day is: "To be positive we must THINK positive".

Since we've been talking about our lives and futures, inevitably and ultimately we have to make certain decisions. Decisions are about making the appropriate choices (Nobody wants to make the wrong choices anyway). No matter how pressed we are, we have to know we have choices. We just have to decide which course to take. Whichever course we choose, there will be consequences waiting for us, be it good or be it bad. The choices we make today will color the spectrum of our life in the future. We may dream of "flying to the moon and play with the stars" but before we could do that, we need to do certain things first. We certainly could not wait for the moon to fall on our lap. We need to set our dreams, choose the vehicle to achieve our dreams, transform our dreams into tangible goals and last but not least, we need to act fast as if our life depends on it.

Do I consider myself idealistic? Hmmm ... I do not know. First of all, I personally do not think there is anything wrong with being an idealist. As a therapist those who came to me with their problems. I would advise them and provide them with something to hold on to. My hopes are they leave feeling good about themselves. This always made me feel good about myself. Now, when come to me telling me how difficult it is to do one thing or another, after talking to them and letting them see things with their heart, they leave with renewed spirit and recharged energy. Our words of encouragement help others feel good and this is what makes us feel good about ourselves. If this is being idealistic, then I have to succumb to your definition of the very word. I know things are not perfect and rosy all the time. Things we want will not fall into our lap without putting up a fight. Winners do not quit, only losers do! One thing which differentiates winners and losers is, winners do not give up.

When the chips are down, I do not to spend too much time finding out why they were down. But I need to know which chips are still standing and make the best of what I have. Learn from the mistakes and claw my way back. Falling down flat on my face is beginning to be a common thing. But picking things up and put the pieces back together, forging forward is a brave thing to do. These are the trademarks of a true champion. And I think this is true in everything we do; be it business, working for someone or even relationships!

I appreciate the strength I have gained over the years being trained at the "HardKnocks University". I agree with "survival of the fittest". I can't be living life being a "fire fighter" all the time. I need to see things from a structural standpoint and to be able to understand what went wrong and what didn't. Since I am not going to live forever, I must be able to share with those who will come after how to do things correct the first time; isn't this what learning is all about?

Those are not the words of a therapist and educator, but it comes from what I sincerely believe in. Is this being idealistic? I am just being a realist! I say no more.

Keep looking up. AJ



Calendar Books by Allen James' posting for June 29th reiterates the Allen James formula for personal success, "I LIVE".

If you recall, a few weeks ago I introduced the acronym for my formula leading to personal success, I LIVE. Here I explain again as it's worth being reminded of.

I = Identify the goals you hope to achieve.

L = Liberate yourself from your old way of thinking.

I = Invest time and energy in doing what you need to do to attain your goals.

V = Validate yourself regularly, assuring yourself you have what it takes to accomplish your goals.

E - Embrace your success after attaining what you set out to attain. Enjoy and celebrate the victory.

Each and every one of us holds the potential to do great things, but we MUST draw from within and realize it is only through our own doing.

As always...keep looking up. AJ