Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading

Calendar Books by Allen James' reading for April 30th is a quote by the late Ben Sweetland who was a syndicated columnist, psychologist, and author of "I Will", "I Can", and "Grow Rich While You Sleep"; "We cannot hold a torch to light another's path without brightening our own".

When we share our positivity and successes to help others as they work for the same, we build ourselves up as well. "If you lug your elderly neighbor's groceries up her steps, clearly it's good for her. But did you know that it's likely good for you too" (liveyourlifewell.org)?

Research indicates that those who consistently help other people experience less depression, greater calm, fewer pains and better health. They may even live longer.

Consider some recent research:

Students who performed five acts of kindness a day increased their happiness
Providing emotional support to others significantly decreased the harmful health effects of certain kinds of stress among older people
People who donated money to charity got a boost in a feel-good part of the brain, as revealed in brain imaging research

Doing good can make you feel good. It might

remind you that you're relatively lucky
make you feel connected to others
help you feel needed and effective
take your mind off your own worries for a while
make you feel generous
add a sense of purpose and meaning to your life

Hints on Helping

Consider these tips for helping others—and yourself:

Don't feel like you have to make grand gestures or huge time commitments. Sure, helping can mean serving meals at a homeless shelter every week. But it also can mean:

Calling a friend to see how she's doing
Serving your spouse breakfast in bed
Letting a car in front of you on the highway
Smiling at a stranger in the street
Holding the elevator door for your co-worker

Vary your acts of generosity to prevent the experience from becoming ho-hum, advises happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, who also found that doing several kindnesses in one day gives the best boost.
Beware of taking on too much, or you'll risk feeling resentful. When asked a favor, think it over before saying yes (liveyourlifewell.org).

Remember: You and your actions are what determine your satisfaction with yourself.

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "A Woman's Daily Guide to Success"

Today's reading for April 27th....from "A Woman's Daily Guide to Success" is,

 "Write a poem at least once in your life" (James, 2012)

Self expression is an important aspect of a healthy self concept. Sitting around keeping our thoughts, beliefs, talents to ourselves stifles personal growth.

We each express ourselves in different ways; some sing, others run 5 Ks, some write, still others are great orators. The important thing is to find your nitche and let your energy be known.

Writing at least one poem over your lifetime is a good way to get your own mission on paper to serve ad a "focus" tool. It doesn't have to follow literary rules or stand up to an English teacher's scrutiny; it can be as long or short as you choose...not must it rhythm.

Regardless of what your way of self expression is...just express yourself. Don't "hide your light under a bucket". Let it shine!


Keep looking up. :) AJ
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Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "A Woman's Daily Guide to Success"

Our April 28th reading from "A Woman's Daily Guide to Success".... "Entertain".

There was a time when entertaining was a way of life. Young couples would have other couples and friends over regularly for board games, dinner, cookouts, fondue....Families could expect extended family to drop by most Saturdays and Sundays. Social skills were learned by the young from adults who modeled appropriate social interaction.

These days there is little entertaining between couples and families; in fact most don't entertain at home at all. Meals are eaten on the go or brought in from fast food establishments.

Interaction with others is such an important aspect of our understanding of the world around us. I have known a few individuals over the years who have been blessed with the talent of hospitality. They enjoy regularly having people over for meals, dessert nights, holiday get togethers. The joys others experience and gratitude expressed enhance relationships and encourage reciprocity.

Entertain. Bring back an aspect of the past which would have been best to never have been ignored.

Keep looking up. :) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading

Our reading for April 25th....from Allen James' Calendar Books:

"Don't fear new beginnings" (James, 2012).

Here it is nearly the middle of 2014. It really is surreal how quickly time seems to pass once we begin our busy lives after we've grown beyond our "youth"; carefree days and nights, sleeping in till noon, having the stamina to keep keeping on even when we've only had 2 hours of sleep. But things change, and they change drastically once we hit 30.

Years ago I bought the book, "Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life" (Sheehy, 1974) for a seminar I had attended entitled, "Counseling Men through Middle Age: Mid-life Crises or Just Down Right Dumb". My eyes were opened to the cycles we all encounter as we breeze through life. As I learned how to counsel individuals through various "mid-life crises", my preconceived ideas were uprooted as I found out men really do experience a chemical and physiological "change" (much like the experience of menopause for women) called andropause, or viropause.

It is during these adult "passages" we have the opportunity to begin anew, making changes in our lives which will bring us to a refreshed understanding of what comes next as we transition through a new passage.

Note these times of renewed "beginnings" are nothing like making a resolution, which most of us aren't great at keeping; I was never a big believer in New Year's resolutions for this very fact. As we look approach these forks in the roads on our paths to personal success and begin anew, there are some tools which make starting over a little easier:

1. Starting over is not the same as recouping from a failure. It is a new beginning. This mindset is helpful because it keeps us from wasting our time being too difficult on ourselves.

2. Moving through life is like climbing stairs; we go up a level and then we level off. Nothing is ever a straight shot. We must have some patience with ourselves and with our new found direction.

3. This new beginning we're making is yet another "first" in our lives. It could also be a new life if we approach it in the correct way. Sometimes little ideas can turn into big things.

4. Endings are not necessarily bad things. Even though we may feel what we're leaving behind was the best time in our life so far, the years ahead might just leave it in the dust. This is also true if  what we're leaving behind seemed to be the worst part of our life so far. Maybe we just went through the largest crisis thus far in our life. Search out someone to talk with, preferably an experienced professional who comes highly recommended.

5. Starting over may feel scary, but it's really a cause for celebration. Think of it as exciting, and many of our anxious feelings will begin to fade.

6. Remember our future is not governed by our past. No matter what has happened in our life, we can find a way to make things a little better for ourselves, and hopefully for those around us as well.

7. Having to start over is different from choosing to start over. For those whose lives are still in chaos because of man made and natural disasters, starting over is not a choice. Giving support to those in need and being able to accept it when necessary are great qualities.

8. Healthy alternatives to negative lifestyle patterns abound. We will want to take baby steps if we don't feel comfortable making all our changes at one time. If we it seems too difficult to stop a bad habit, start by cutting back. It's okay to give ourselves a little time to moderate or stop something which is affecting us adversely.

9. It's not all about joining a gym to get fit. What about taking a dance class to get in shape and have fun at the same time? Although this wasn't something I ever thought I'd do, a good friend talked me into being her partner in a ballroom dancing class many years ago.  It was a blast (and guys, it helps with the ladies every time). Starting over can mean chasing our dreams. We're happiest when we're moving toward a goal.

10. Starting over is about giving ourselves a chance at real happiness. We will have to be brave and get good at learning new things, but how bad can this be? At the very worst, we will acquire the skills needed to start on the next project.

Mid-life doesn't have to be the big bump in the road everyone makes it out to be. Remember, once we honestly commit to the changes, we have already begun the process.

Don't fear new beginnings.

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "The Journey: A Calendar Book"

Daily Reading for April 24th - Allen James' "Daily Guide to Success" series - "The Journey: A Calendar Book", "Be dedicated to what you believe" (James, 2012)

First and foremost, we have to know WHAT we belief. As children we are influenced by a myriad of individuals and media: parents, siblings, friends, teachers, television, radio, movies, books; on and on the list could go. These influences on our fragile psyches have a major role in the forming of our belief systems. By the time we are ready to graduate from high school those beliefs which have been pushed onto us are ready to be tested so we can then determine OURSELVES which beliefs we will hold onto as we enter adulthood.

As a high school English teacher I had the responsibility of teaching 17 and 18 year old seniors how to express themselves through the critical writing of essays and analyses of works of literature. Topics such as jealousy, hate, prejudice, greed, love, compassion were addressed throughout their senior year. I became apt at stepping onto my "soap box" about how they were now young adults; expression of opinions and views were now their own, not those of their parents or grandparents. It was my duty to teach not only the subject matter, but as well about values and character.

Know what you believe, then stand by what you believe. Be dedicated to defending your beliefs...

One of the definitions for dedication reads: "self sacrificing devotion" (www.merriam-webster.com). In order to gain personal success in life we must be dedicated. Some are dedicated to being mediocre and not taking risks. I recall a patient I had early in my work as a psychotherapist who would often preoccupy herself with other people’s agendas and dreams. She didn’t think her dreams were attainable. She didn’t think she was worthy of accomplishing her goals, if she even had any. She would bring list after list, binder after binder of unfinished projects to session and show me how she was great at coming up with ideas, but she could just never follow through. It was easy for her to blame other people or a lack of compensation, but the true culprit was herself. She was at complete fault. Why, you may ask? Because she was not dedicated to what she thought she wanted from her life.

Dream dreams, then devote yourself to those dreams. Be dedicated to what you believe.

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "The Journey: A Calendar Book"

Our reading for April 23rd comes from our featured Calendar Book for 2014, "The Journey: A Calendar Book"... "Lie in bed with the window open and recall childhood".

The past has a direct effect on the present just as the present affects the future tremendously. Our current feelings, personality traits and behaviors were shaped by past events.

Every experience we have been through as a child dramatically impacts our life, even ones which might seem irrelevant or unimportant.

Our past is currently affecting our present and it will keep affecting the future. The key to experiencing a positive "now" is to become aware of the connection between the past and future?

The earliest of childhood memories are the source from which we first begin to form beliefs about the world. The question is, how can this past event affect our lives later past adolescence.

Thus events at any given point in our lives can be catalysts for positivity today. Twenty-six years ago my life was very different; I was a newlywed starting a new career in a strange place. I fondly recall lying in bed in the upstairs bedroom of our first "rental" home with the window open beside my new bride. As we listened to the quietness of the night we shared remembrances of our childhoods when we would spend the night with our grandparent/grandparents and lie by the open window doing just as we were then; appreciating the stillness.

This memory from those 28 years long ago as a totally different individual still affects me today. It helps me be able to critically evaluate myself and draw positivity from events which otherwise would seem not so positive. I am a better individual due to this and similar events in my past.

Allow yourself to recollect in the stillness. Allow yourself to take from your past those things which brought you joy. These "special" memories can still bring you joy in the "here and now".

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - My Story

Today's reading, April 22nd, is the story of "my mentor". I hope this motivates you to sit down and write your own personal story of "your mentor" and post or message it to me when you have it completed. (I got warm and fuzzy feelings when I wrote mine. Does a body good.)

“I think I can climb up the mountain. I think I can. I think I can.” Then the Little Blue Engine began to pull. She tugged and she pulled. She pulled and she tugged. Puff puff, chug chug
went the little engine. “I think I can. I think I can,” she said. Slowly, slowly, the train started
to move…Puff Puff, chug chug. Up the mountain went the Little Blue Engine. And all the time she kept saying, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can... But as she puffed down the mountain, the
Little Blue Engine seemed to say...”I thought I could, I thought I could, I thought I could, I
thought I could” (Piper, 1930).

Thus began my journey to personal success. The year was 1967 and I was a 1st grader at Dawson Springs Elementary School in Dawson Springs Kentucky. Without 342 television stations, mp3 players, Sesame Street, GameBoys, and the like, we children of the era weren’t expected to be able to read at a 12th grade level in 1st grade, let alone know our ABCs, tie our shoes, or be able to count to 100. We had spent the previous 6 years learning how to get along well with others and just having fun being children.

I hadn’t got nice Mrs. Tandy for first grade, instead I ended up with mean-o Mrs. Morrow! All I had heard about her from other kids was how mean she was. I knew from day one it wasn’t going to be a good year. Mrs. Tandy was so pretty, and everyone said how easy she was to get along with. She even looked like all the other moms around town, not at all like the teacher from hell Mrs. Morrow had been made out to be; which in the end turned out to be the total opposite from the kind of teacher she was to me.

Maybe Mrs. Morrow was just upholding the wizened advice I would receive from college education professors 25 years later, teachers “don’t smile until after Christmas break”; for it wasn’t long after the snows had departed the hills of the Western Kentucky strip mines Mrs. Morrow became the grandmother figure every child in 1968 America had at home ready to offer a cheerful shoulder on which to cry.

But I still was having difficulty with printing my alphabet. I was a left-hander, not something admired in a child of the time (I had 4 brothers and two sisters; every other one of us was a left-hander). Everyone knew left-handers weren’t as smart and couldn’t do ANYTHING nearly as good as a right-hander. I had even heard stories of my oldest sister, Sandra, being “forced” by her teachers to use her right hand with which to write. I was scared to death I too would be held hostage in the ancient, dark, bleak, brick building which housed Dawson Springs Elementary School down in the musty, grey, boiler room where coal was shoveled into a furnace to keep us children warm. I struggled every day getting my hand to hold the big, bulky green pencil correctly in my left hand. It just didn’t fit, and those letters turned out all smudgy from my hand dragging across the lead covered page behind what I was able to get printed.

Then one day in March, not long after I turned 7 years old, it all changed. Maybe it was due to my becoming so grown-up things turned around; but one thing I know for sure; if it wasn’t for Mrs. Morrow I very likely would not be writing these words today. It was after lunch (we walked home for lunch in those days. Our backyard butted up against the Renshaw’s house which sat at the end of School Street only a block from the school.) My belly full of more than likely a grilled cheese sandwich and bowl of tomato soup, I didn’t want to do Handwriting; I wanted to take a nap. Only last year we got to take naps on those pallets we brought from home. Why did growing up have to mean taking away naps? But handwriting was waiting, and so was Mrs. Morrow, stern today, standing at the front of the class with chalk in one hand, black eraser in other, those squinting eyes behind cat-eye glasses, scouring the classroom for her first victim to go to the blackboard and print the word of the day, “S E E J A C K R U N. S E E J A N E R U N. S E E S P O T R U N”. I hated Ss too; made me think of snakes and I hated snakes more than I hated Ss. As she scanned the room, I slumped in my seat. Don’t let it be me. Don’t let it be me. Then her voice echoed through the room, “Ricky, would you come to the board please?” Yes! I was safe for the day. (Ricky always got picked for everything. He was the smartest 1st grader in the world).

Following the nearly perfect printing of “S E E J A C K R U N. S E E J A N E R U N. S E E S P O T R U N” in stark white against the harsh black of the chalkboard we children were set to the task of filling one Big Chief writing table page with 10 sentences of “S E E J A C K R U N. S E E J A N E R U N. S E E S P O T R U N”. NO WAY! There was absolutely no way at all I would get through this assignment. I just knew it. It took me 4 hours at home to get just 3 lines of J I M M Y H A R R Y M A N printed, and those Ss. NO WAY!

I leaned over my red and silver tablet, refusing to open the cover to the lined pages. “I can’t. I know I can’t. No way. I can’t. I just know I can’t’, I murmured under my breath. It wasn’t long until the familiar odor of “old lady” wafted into my nostrils. There was no doubt. I knew I’d been snitched on by Jamie Dutton. He was always telling on me, while all the while looking so innocent of any misdeed.

Mrs. Morrow squatted down, modestly pulling her plaid, blue dress under her, all the while her black, patent leather black high heels staying in place beneath her. “Jimmy. Yes you can. I know you can. With a little more effort I just know you can. Remember the story we read before Christmas break of the ‘“Little Engine that Could”’? He just kept saying “’I think I can. I think I can”’ and he did.”

Yep, this was the day which changed my life forever. From then forward I never looked back. My mind was set. Never, and I mean never again would I think I couldn’t accomplish anything asked of me. Hearing those four simple words, I think I can, and seeing myself as the Big Blue Engine, powerful, strong, and determined to get to her destination, I realized we each have it within ourselves to do whatever we sit our minds to. Mrs. Morrow, my mentor, who never knew the impact she had, will never be forgotten, for this 1961 1st grader will never let her story go untold.

Allen James
(Jimmy Harryman)

 Keep looking up.  :)  AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading

Another beautiful day in Southeast Missouri....enjoy it and re-energize for the work week....

Our reading for April 21st is a quote by Lao Tzu, known as the father of Taoism, one of China's largest religions, "Music in the soul can heard by the universe" (goodreads.com/quotes/174559).

Several years ago I had the opportunity to teach a college level course entitled, "Introduction to Philosophy: The Spinning of the Tread". The knowledge I had previously gained regarding the subject while I completed my doctoral work was enhanced by the mere preparation for teaching the course.

Tao, “the Way,” (refer to September 16th and September 17th in "A Man's Daily Guide to Success") according to Taoism, is a creative process by which we can live in harmony by freeing ourselves of the obstacles with which we clutter our life. By cultivating "wu-wei", characterized by being humble and prudent (or using our sense of reason and common sense), we can be a part of the simplicity and spontaneity of "The Way". Our desire for virtue or achievement is counterproductive and unnecessary say the Taoists, they values mystical contemplation and balance. We are viewed as what we truly are; all but a speck in "big picture". For the Taoist the Chinese principle of yin-yang, complementary duality, is a model of complete harmony (Story of Philosophy, 1967).

Over my lifetime I've viewed the passing of Haley's Comet, multiple eclipses, a number of meteor showers, and even got to experience the aurora borealis once. Witnessing these events reinforces what I contemplate each night I sit out on my deck or lay in a field and look heavenward, "What a little thing we humans really are in the vast universe in which we exist.

Allowing ourselves to experience moments such as these "put us in our place" as well as giving us the much needed time to "think" about who we are and what our purpose while a living, breathing human being for the short time we're on this Earth should be.

Every year in at this time the Earth passes through the dusty tail of Comet Thatcher, and the encounter causes a meteor shower--the Lyrids. This year the shower peaks tomorrow morning, April 22nd. Forecasters expect 10 to 20 meteors per hour, although outbursts as high as 100 meteors per hour are possible. Although the moon is forecast to be extremely bright, we should be able to get a glimpse of this amazing display of the greatest of our universe in the moon free pre-dawn hours.

The psalmist, David wrote, "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord" (Psalms 98:4). Allow the universe to hear the music your soul makes each and every day.

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "The Journey: A Calendar Book"

Our reading for April 17th, from "The Journey: A Calendar Book"...."Make love often".

Although sex is a topic many veer away from addressing, it is one which anyone caring to focus on a cultivating a positive attitude and personal success cannot ignore.

Dr. Oz, from Oprah fame identifies 6 health benefits of making love once or twice a week (is that all):

1. Keeps the heart strong
2. Improves sleep
3. Reduces headaches
4. Makes you look 7 - 13 years younger
5. Reduces the frequency of colds
6. Adds years to your life (huffingtonpost.com)

Putting research and health benefits aside, a healthy sex life (emphasis on healthy) builds intimacy, trust, and cohesion between partners. Combining a healthy sex life with a healthy attitude goes a very long way in keeping intimate relationships strong.

But intimacy does not mean sex; each are very distinct from the other, but both are necessary for cohesion. Intimacy exists when individuals share feelings of emotional closeness and connectedness and the desire to share our innermost thoughts and feelings. Intimate relationships are unique due to a sharing of mutual trust, caring, and acceptance.

On the other hand, a key part of our sexuality is our ability to BE intimate: the ability to love, trust and care for others in both sexual and other types of relationships.

In order to have true intimacy with our partner, one must be willing to take emotional risks when they share personal details and stories. Emotional intimacy doesn't automatically occur with sexual intimacy, as people who are sexually involved may still be unable or choose not to share their innermost thoughts and feelings.

There are four key factors to having a healthy intimate relationship:

1. Knowing and liking yourself
2. Trusting and caring
3. Honesty
4. Clear communication (optionsforsexualhealth.org)

Nurture your relationship with your partner. Grow intimacy and connection.

Make love often, both for your physical health and your emotional well-being.

Keep looking up. AJ : )

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "A Graduate's Daily Guide to Success"

Today's reading, April 16th is taken from "A Graduate's Daily Guide to Success" (purchase this version of Allen James' Calendar Books at lulu.com/spotlight/allenjames1961, $22.00 paperback, just in time for graduation. The perfect choice for the graduate if you're wanting to veer away from the humdrum 20$ and a card).

"Work with the next generation".

Over the years I've worked with youth in a variety of venues. While I was in college I was a youth leader at Westside Baptist Church in Murray KY. My career as a high school English teacher found me teaching seniors College Prep. English, drama, speech, publications, and directing school plays as well as sponsoring the Speech and Academic Teams. In my role as a psychotherapist some of my most moving patients were young people who reached beyond their self-centered material world into the self-empowering world within to step beyond depression and the demons it can cause in lives.

As a middle-aged adult (there, I said it. I'm middle-aged...first time I've ever realized the fact) working as a college English instructor and as a high school counselor again, I find myself surrounded by the vivaciousness and carefree attitudes of the young. I thrive on reading their opinions, getting a glimpse of the minds of those who will be the movers and shakers of my tomorrow.

Dr. Jon Nussbaum of Penn State addresses the importance of intergenerational relationships by stating "For younger people, having an older friend listen closely helps them feel heard and respected... For older people, having younger friends can help them better connect to the broader culture. Young people are more invested in media and pop culture, so communication with them keeps an older person engaged" (experiencelife.com), says Nussbaum. There’s evidence, too, he notes, friendships with younger people can speed brain activity in older individuals, literally stimulating the mind in a way peer-to-peer communication doesn’t.

As with most healthy relationships, when we are able to see things through the eyes of people who have very different experiences and assumptions than we, or as Atticus Finch put it in Harper Lee's "To Kill a Mockingbird", "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view - until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." - Ch 3. It is definitely food for the brain and worth the thought.

Work with the next generation...expand your views and enlighten theirs.

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading

Our thought for April 15th from Allen James' Daily Guide to Success series, "Be cautious while making a living you forget to live".

I've held a job since I was 14 years old; The Hickory Pit, Nina's Cafe, The Place, The Arcadia Grill, Pennyrile Forest State Park, Kenlake State Resort, Captian D's, J.C. Penney, Flippin's Hillbilly Barn, Fredericktown R-1 Schools, Psychological Counseling Consultants, Center for Creative Change, Perryville District #32, Mineral Area College, Southeast Missouri State University...I sometimes wonder how I make time for me....how do I make time for life? Or do I?

The challenges and disappointments of the day to day grind creates a position where it seems we can only stay busy,it is automatically assumed the busier we are,the more likely we will achieve our goals.The problem comes when we are so busy can't live life,where the only thing which comes to mind is to work until we can no longer keep up.

I once saw a patient who's presenting issue was being overwhelmed. She complained of being so busy she could no longer organize her home or spend quality time with her family. Following therapy and our creating a schedule for her to follow which required she "make" time for those precious things in her life which she missed and desired to have time for, she now has a much more fulfilling life without so much work.

It's amazing how we convince ourselves we are too busy or things are too difficult until the quilt we feel due to the choices we make is greater than the effort takes to make a change! We get so BUSY we forget to be in the moment and truly live. Ironically, living in the moment gives provides a life full of time and just enough energy to do what we need to do.

The years rack up too quickly. Become aware of this BEFORE your years have racked up. Be cautious while making a living you forget to live.

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "The Journey: A Calendar Book"

                                                                                                           (googleimages.com)

Calendar Books by Allen James reading for April 14th is taken from our featured calendar book for 2013...."The Journey: A Calendar Book"....

(remember, you can get a signed copy of "The Journey a Calendar Book by sending your check to Jim Harryman, 518 Rand Avenue, Perryville, MO 63775. Make sure your mailing address is on your check or envelope. To date we have sent out 108 signed copies...message me your picture holding your Allen James Calendar Book to be posted here and receive a promotional gift of either a Calendar Books by Allen James tee-shirt, coffee cup, book tote or coming soon, Calendar Books by Allen James exclusively scented to enhance your reading experience, promotional 2 ounce Coldwater Candles creation just for Allen James Calendar Books provided by SHINE in Fredericktown, Missouri).

Now...our reading..."Spend time with your nieces and nephews".

When I was 12 I was blessed with my first niece, Karen Harryman. Being the youngest of our clan up to this point one would expect issues to present themselves with a first grandchild for my parents to make over...but this wasn't the case. I was thrilled to have a new playmate younger than I (Not to complain, but (my 5 of my siblings were too much older than I to include me in their social activities, and there were only 357 days between my brother Wendel and I, thus I had "intruded" on his territory when I came along...he'd rather socialize with "his age" friends).

Karen and I became close friends, and even though her life has taken her miles away, we remain close despite not "seeing" each other often. Four years later Rachael came along...Lela, Joe Jr, Joni Lea, Matthew, Brittany, Alisha, Anna, Cyndi, KC, Joey, Collin; as our family grew my destiny was secured of being Uncle Jimmy, a position I cherish although I don't get to spend near enough time with those special guys and gals who hold a special place in my life.

What role exactly do aunts and uncles play in the lives of their many times but not always, younger extended family members?

One very important role we play is the role of "role model", which we've addressed in earlier readings. If you recall, a role model is someone who influences our behavior just by us observing how they act. Aunts and uncles can influence their nieces and nephews just by what they do, without saying a word. Aunts can also show their nieces an example of what they may want to be. They can give examples of the roles of a career woman, a wife, a mom, and a productive citizen of society. If an aunt leads a different lifestyle than the child's mom, it can give the niece an alternate example of what she wants to do with her life (foreverfamilies.byu.edu, 2013).

One way uncles can be a good role model is to show good examples of a masculine role (Milardo, 2010). They can teach their nephews it is important to be kind to women and to help others. This can be particularly helpful if these children do not have a positive male figure in their home. It will benefit them to have a trusted adult to guide them rather than looking to their friends and the media.

We can as well be their friend. As aunts and uncles do not have the responsibility of parenting, they can also be more of a friend with their nieces and nephews. An important quality many nieces and nephews name in their parents' siblings is their ability to have fun. This friendship allows the aunts and nieces (or uncles and nephews) to be involved in common activities they enjoy, such as sports or shopping (2013). Aunts can help foster enthusiasm in their favorite activities by sharing these interests with their nieces, which will help them to bond over those common interests. One important distinction between acting more like a parent and acting more like a friend is often reciprocity. Friends are more likely to give back to their friends with emotional support, advice, or suggestions. Milardo found that if you have this kind of relationship with your niece or nephew, they may be supporting you as you support them (2013).

Sometimes aunts and uncles are placed in the position of supplemental parents. Aunts and uncles can be complementary to their siblings by providing additional support, to fill the needs the parents are unable to take care of themselves. This can include providing another supportive adult they can go to, to do their hair before a school dance, or by helping to drive them to all the places they need to go. Uncles and aunts can also reinforce the ideas parents are trying to teach, such as the importance of education or being kind to your siblings. Aunts and moms can collaborate on good parenting ideas for the child, and discuss parenting methods (Milardo, 2010). Through the aunt's unique relationship with her niece, she may have additional ideas for parenting to add to the mom's ideas.

We also act as buffers between parents and children. Aunts and uncles can also act as intergenerational buffers. This means they can help mediate the relationship between parent and child. Instead of siding with one or the other, uncles and aunts can help each family member to try and see the other's side of the argument (Milardo, 2010). Of course, you do not want to be constantly in the middle of their fights, but you can help soothe tensions which may exist between them.

There are also many other roles that you can take on; being a good listener, giving advice, providing unconditional support, or telling your nieces and nephews of their family history (foreverfamilies, 2013, Milardo, 2010). It's easy to get overwhelmed and to think there may be no way you can do all of these roles. The nice thing about being an aunt or uncle is; none of these roles are required; you can determine what you want to do. If you don't want to get in the middle of parents and children fighting, don't. If you want to play tennis with your niece, do! We can choose what roles and activities we have time for and are willing to do. Only we can determine what will be good for the relationship we share with these special family members.

A shout out to Karen, Rachael, Lela, Joe Jr, Joni Lea, Matthew, Brittany, Alisha, Anna, Cyndi, KC, Joey, Collin, and any others I may not be aware of, Uncle Jimmy loves you...as the years progress, seek me out...our relationship is vital to extending family connection as well as preserving the history of the Harryman/Williams' past.

Spend time with your nieces and nephews. You, and they, will be more complete individuals when you do, blessing the lives of each other.

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "A Teacher's Daily Guide to Success"

Our reading for April 12th is from "A Teacher's Daily Guide to Success" but is applicable to each and every one of us..."Don't be afraid to mark with comments".

When I first began my teaching career all the teacher training I had obtained in English education taught me to "bleed" openly on student papers. This was difficult for me as I had always detested the "blood" on my own papers while in school. Having to open a folder and see red pen markings was not something "I" was ever going to subject my students to. However; insects bleed black....so the black ink pen sufficed. I never held back in making comments on essays from which students could learn, positive comments as well as correctional ones.

How might this translate to working toward personal success one may ask? Simple. Never be afraid to express to others your opinions in a helping manner. Do you perhaps struggle to express your thoughts and opinions? It can all become overwhelming, and no one wants to be a shadow in the crowd; having their thoughts and opinions heard must be a priority.

The very achievement of being able to express yourself; and more importantly be listened to, is an extremely rewarding feeling. Just how can you express your ideas and opinions clearly and assure you are listened to?

The following 5 tools can help in expressing your comments to others in a positive, helpful, non-threatening or intrusive manner:

1. Clarify your objective

Make sure before attempting to open your mouth and the words begin to flow you are 100% clear on the ideas which need to be expressed. Knowing where you want to go with the conversation will help to give you an extra confidence boost.

When the one you are speaking with can see you are confident then they will be more alert and want to listen.

2) Don't expect "perfection"

Just sit and ask yourself, exactly what is perfect? Is there anyone out there 100% perfect? The fact is we are only human and the reality is not one of us is perfect and without flaw. A small error is acceptable, there's no need to be stringent to the point you begin to struggle voicing your opinion! As long as you know the topic of importance, a simple error can be overlooked.

3) "Keep it simple"

Consider why you "tune out" others when they voice their opinion; remember your days at school and college with teachers lecturing in front of the class. Being lectured to is boring!

There really is no need to use big words. Comments voiced in an exciting manner will be more than enough to keep others tuned in. It's extremely annoying to have someone chatting away for 30 minutes, when the conversation could have been kept basic, ending in half the time.

Stay on the straight and narrow; turning left and right is not going to turn into a success story. Don't cause the one to whom you are making comments fall asleep!

4) Consider what you say before you speak

One of the major fears of having to express your opinion to others is how you will be perceived by them. Can you really afford to let negativity like this get in the way?!

If you have the chance, write down what you're planning to say, then read it back to yourself! This will assist you in "thinking before you speak" and possibly commenting in an attitude/tone you didn't intend.

5) Revise before you talk

Yes, simple revision of your conversation will help you take it to the next level. The very factor you are confident and know what you are talking about will help significantly.

When people feel assured you know what you are talking about and you are certain on what you're expressing, then they will have confidence in you and possible make application to their own lives. Think about possible questions which might arise from your comments and be prepared to rebut if needed!

A good friend, and a Calendar Books by Allen James fan, Amanda S. once said to me, "What do you say when you have nothing to say yet something must be said". How profound! Again, draw from your inner strength and know your comments are worth sharing. Helping others with your opinions and thoughts propels you down the path in your journey to personal success.

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "The Journey: A Calendar Book"

From "The Journey: A Calendar Book" we read for April 11th, "Take a walk around the old neighborhood".

I'm from a small town of around 3,500 nestled among state forest land and surrounded by coal mines. Growing up I attended a small co...mmunity school where my graduating class was no larger than 35 students. Each year the entire town would congregate around the square for the annual BBQ where adults catch up with old friends from high school and children enjoy carnival rides, cake walks, and try pitching ping pongs into small fish bowls housing goldfish so they can brag about it to their classmates at school the next day. Looking back on it, for me it was the kind of place children SHOULD grow u.

As a child in the 1960s and 1970s we children could roam free. Walking to school, walking to church, walking to friends' houses to get the view Saturday morning cartoons on a television which was color; one was easily familiar with every street and alleyway in town. The experience of growing up in such an ideal environment could always be counted on for those "warm, fuzzy" feelings we need from time to time.

As a young adult, when I would go home to visit my parents I would often trace those same steps from my childhood around town; over Dorris Street, down Walnut Street, up Trim Street....there's where Mamaw's house used to be. Down Hall Street, take Alexander Street, over Flower Street; there's where the old ball park used to be. Along every walk I'd take I could smell the same smells, say hello to the same familiar townfolk, enjoy the same "warm, fuzzy" feelings I did as a youth.

Take a walk around the old neighborhood. Remember where you come from. Never forget your roots for it is only from knowing where we come we can realize where we're going.

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "A Teacher's Daily Guide to Success"

Our April 10th daily reading comes from, "A Teacher's Daily Guide to Success" and is one of the 30 quotes by notable individuals around the world: "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are" (Theodore Roosevelt - 26th President of the United States of America; 1901-1909).

Over my nearly 30 years as an educator, many of my students who have triumphed the most are those who felt they possessed no self-worth. In times of uncertainty, it was more easy to beat themselves up – to think they were not good enough. For them it seemed much easier to forget, despite all of our differences as human beings, we are born with one very important thing is common: potential – a great amount of it in fact.

What seems difficult for them is realizing this potential for greatness lies within not only those who they witness doing great things, but they too, in fact, possess it. Counseling with a large number of individuals on their self-concept over the years I've encouraged young and old alike who self proclaim a general feeling of worthlessness to work on the following 7 keys to personal success, growth, and ultimately a realization they have this great potential, it only need be tapped into, BY THEM:

1. Reflect on life: The first step is committing to 20-30 minutes of quiet reflection everyday. You don’t have to sit still, close your eyes, and meditate. But you do have to get away from all the distractions in your life such as the television, cell phones, email, radio, family, friends, coworkers, school mates, etc. They’re constantly clouding your thoughts and influencing your decisions.

2. Become an optimist: This is key. Every negative thought we replay in our mind is like a "ball and chain", keeping us from moving forward. We must free ourselves from the negativity. Inside every setback lies an opportunity! Always find the positive in every situation. "Every cloud has a silver lining" my grandmother used to say.

3. Set a goal: Goals give life direction and purpose. Without them we’re just drifting through existence. Do something bold! Set a lofty goal which stretches outside the box.

4. Define role-models: Look at those who have had the largest influence on you throughout your life, then work to grow the same character in yourself. Learn from them. It's much too each to pick up bad habits from those who have negative effects on us.

5. Be grateful: We must be grateful for the many opportunities which come our. Be grateful for the moment! Being grateful introduces even better things to life.

6. Become a lifelong learner: School certainly isn't the only place to learn new things. Commit to learning something new everyday. Have an open mind. Grow!

7. Embrace change: It’s impossible to reach our full potential if we’re not willing to change. Become dynamic, adaptive, evolving! Realize change is good…change is exciting!

State on the road today to reaching your full potential. Personal success is assured when we do. Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "The Journey: A Calendar Book"

 

From "The Journey: A Calendar Book" for April 9th, "Be a mentor/role model".

Over the past few weeks I hope you've noticed the theme which has been recurring in our recent readings; connection, companionship, sharing, interpersonal relationships.

We can never underestimate the power of significant others in our life. True role models are those who possess qualities we would like to have and those who have affected us in a way which makes us want to be better individuals; to advocate for ourselves and our goals and take leadership on the issues we believe in. We often don't recognize our true role models until we have noticed our own personal growth and progress.

My mother influenced me to never set limits on what I could do. I had a teacher in grade school who inspired me to try to live up to my potential. She would pull me aside and pointed out to me if I would apply myself a little more I was capable of getting straight A's. Mrs. Morrow was constantly reciting "The Little Engine Who Could" to me. "Jimmy, remember...'I think I can. I think I can'. Although I didn't take her advice right then, it gave me a much needed boost and started me to thinking and paying more attention (ADD didn't exist at the time). When she jumped on me for being lazy I definitely sat up and took notice. I believe the best roles models make us see the possibilities within ourselves.

Be the role model others need to become more positive individuals dedicated to attaining personal success. Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading

I hope your attitude about your day and the approach you take to living your day is as FRESH as the day is itself....there has been no other "today", there will be no other "today"...the way it plays out before you is totally up to you...yes..TOTALLY up to you....

Our reading for April 12th comes from my "stash" of poems from the past 30 years and expresses what a life changing force WE are.....knowing we and only we have the power to take from our lives whatever we may; to add to our lives whatever we choose; to make of our lives anything we desire. Some of what were the most difficult times of my life brought about what became the most rewarding changes morphing me into a more aware and more defined individual.

The Last Tear Has Fallen - It's Time for a Change

This ending proclaims, "It's time for a change";
No ones left wondering whose to blame.
Sitting alone with a solemn face;
The last tear has fallen in this lonely place.

This ending proclaims, "It's times for a change";
No more taking prescriptions to ease the pain.
No one knows what's yet to be;
The last tear has fallen, only I hold the key.

This ending proclaims, "It's time for a change";
I look back at photos I hold up to the flame.
I sit on the floor and pick up the pace;
The last tear has fallen as I embrace my fate.

This ending proclaims, "It's time for a change";
No matter you left at the start of our life.
Seasons come and seasons go;
The last tear has fallen, I take it in strife.

This ending proclaims, "It's time for a change";
Echos of voices to not be replaced.
Seasons come and seasons go;
The last tear has fallen as I leave this place.

Allen James March 15th, 1990

Keep looking up, and embrace the day....whatever it brings you way. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "A Teacher's Daily Guide to Success"

April 7th brings a reading from "A Graduate's Daily Guide to Success"..."Be a confidant to someone".

Yesterday's reading,

Personal success comes when we build the trust of others. Being a confidant means we can keep others' disclosures to us confidential. There can be nothing more disappointing than hearing something we've told in confidence repeated.

Having that one person whom we know we can tell anything and not be judged and neither will we have to worry about their "telling tales" can be very stress relieving. Being trustworthy is a talent worth cultivating.

Be a confidant. Be a real friend. Keep looking up. :) AJ


And today's daily reading is taken from "A Teacher's Daily Guide to Success"...an extension of yesterday's reading..."Have a confidant".

I've been asked the question many times throughout the years, "Dr. Harryman, who do you go to when you need someone to talk to?", as well as, "So who heals the healer?". Even the most "together" individual needs a confidant from time to time.

In order for a therapist to be skillful in the practice of providing good counsel we must first start with ourselves. As part of my training I had to undergo therapy myself. It was then I learned the value of having a confidant as well as being a confidant.

A therapist's first patient is themselves. If we continuously explore how we define our own mental health, we will be more present and successful in helping others do the same. And more importantly, we will be more happy and fulfilled in our life's work.

On average, we spend 4 years of graduate school learning how to facilitate mental health for others. Very little of this time is spent learning how to do this for ourselves.

How we define our own mental health is not something which remains constant over time. It is malleable and will change as we do. But there are some core underlying ingredients which should always be addressed throughout our lives.

Lifestyle: Physical Activity, Healthy Behaviors
Nutrition
Family History
Mind-Body: Stress Management, Emotional Health, Social Connection
Spirituality: Finding a connection which results in meaning & purpose

Focus on defining these five core elements which recur as vital to our personal success, and take the time to...

Have a confidant. Keep looking up. : ) AJ
"Provide good counsel", mentioned how rewarding it can be to be a good listener when someone needs a lending ear. Today we look at the vitality of not only being the good ear but as well keeping what we hear to ourselves.

Calendar Book by Allen James - Daily Reading - "A Graduate's Daily Guide to Success"

For April 4th we read from "A Graduate's Daily Guide to Success", "Visit an old friend".

Darlene, Curtis, Stephanie, Lori, Kim, Danny, David, Rob, Ricky, Lisa, Barry, Pig, Miss Barbara, Michelle, Jamie, David, Betsy, Kim, Connie; and on and on I could go naming old friends whom I haven't seen in much too long. But when I do get to visit with one of them good feelings, positivity and excitement is experienced by both the one being visited and the one visiting along with a renewed feeling of connection.

What is it which makes renewing an old friendship such an impact on our lives? It may be the very feeling of connectedness; the joy of being around people who know where you've come from and also probably a little bit of letting go of the guilt about not staying in touch. There's something so comforting and familiar about reconnecting with old friends. It somehow feels like they're among the ones who know you best. You don't have to wade through lots of minutiae because you have a shared history. Think about it. What do you think it is that makes reuniting with old friends so valuable?

Whether it's the comfort of shared experiences or the hopefulness of new ones, it’s worth bringing into your life every now and then. So don't wait for your horoscope to predict the return of “someone from your past.” Just pick up the phone – or send a message via Face Book. You just might make someone smile (including you!). But more than this...make the effort to get together personally.

Visit an old friend...it's good for everyone.

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "The Journey: A Calendar Book

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Calendar Books by Allen James' reading for April 3rd: Spend holidays with your family as long as you can take it".

I think most of us can relate to experiencing a "cringing feeling" when we think about holidays spent with family, regardless of where we are in our young adult/adult lives. Very few holiday get together events resemble The Walton clan around the dinner table. Most are more indicative of The Royal Tanenbaum's gathering.

As has been discussed in earlier postings, family get-togethers can be trying times. Even the smallest of family holidays find aunts, uncles, cousins, and the like converging on one home with "joy" and "thanksgiving" or "celebration" the motivator. But families are like small countries...each individual brings to the table their own "foibles" and agendas; ready to pounce on another.

Character builders are what these times are; events which add growth as we continue on our journey through life.

Spend holidays with your family as often as possible. There's usually at least one other person whom you can assure you are bringing joy to, your mom.

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading

Tuesday, April 2

Allen James' Daily Guide to Success series - Daily Reading

Calendar Books by Allen James' reading for April 2nd, "We aren't insulted by others. Others give their opinion and we take what they say personal and then create our own hurt".

The main cause of most of the worries we have is our reaction to the opinions of others. If we could only condition ourselves not to react to the opinions of others, then we will be more apt to be happy despite what others think about us.

Do we not tell our children, "They're just pushing your buttons to get a response from you". "Don't let them push your buttons". We need to take our own advise and stop letting the world push our buttons.

Take control of what you have control over: your own actions, responses and emotions.

Keep looking up. : ) AJ

Calendar Books by Allen James - Daily Reading - "A Counselor's Daily Guide to Success"

Daily Reading - Allen James Daily Guide to Success series- March 27th - April 1st - "A Counselor's Daily Guide to Success"

Calendar Books by Allen James' readings for March 29th, 30th, 31st and April 1st.....from "A Counselor's Daily Guide to Success"....

March 29th - "Be wise"

March 30th - "Live for YOU...not for what others expect of you"

March 31st - "My words itch at your ears till you understand them" Walt Whitman

April 1st - "Don't be the fool"

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